What if “The Flash” Was Written by Runners?

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There’s a new Flash TV series coming this year! I’m pretty excited about that, ‘cause I’m a major Flash fan.

Having said that, I think there’s one thing that the writers of Flash comics and TV appearances have always ignored about him.

He’s a runner!

The Flash can run across the country in seconds. He’s fast enough to defy gravity by running straight up walls and across water. He and Superman raced for a charity…if that’s not a modern-day runner I don’t know what is!

But–aside from the running–Flash doesn’t really behave like a runner. I happen to be a runner myself. (A slow one. Probably slower than Barry was pre-lightning bolt.) So I have a few ideas for how the Flash’s writers could fix that.

The Flash Wears Boots

Really? Who wears running boots? The Fastest Man Alive is in desperate need of some foot support! Does he over-pronate? Does he need a stability shoe? The man needs to get his stride analyzed by some super-physical-trainer and start wearing footwear that will better protect those superhuman feet.

He probably also needs to replace them every day, considering the mileage he must put in. Might be a good idea for Barry to get an endorsement deal.

Stretching: Not Just For the Elongated Man

We see the Flash running fast. We see him run on clouds and dodge bullets. We even see him vibrate his molecules through solid matter. But do we see any panels showing him performing a set of stretches after a strenuous run? No we do not.

Look, Barry, I get it. You just finished tag-teaming Hector Hammond in Coast City with your pal Green Lantern, and now you have to hoof it across the states back to Central City so Iris doesn’t bitch at you for being late to a dinner date. But if you don’t take the time to care for your muscles and tendons and all that other gooey stuff we stretch, who will save Iris from Mirror Master when achilles tendinitis rears its ugly head? Hmm? Who??? Nobody, that’s who. (Except maybe Kid Flash, he’s like right around the corner.)

Captain Boomerang Says: Sweep the Leg!

Let’s see, what would be a great way to eliminate the Flash? Freeze him with a cold gun? Trap him in a mirror dimension? Tie him to a giant boomerang and shoot him into the heavens?

Nope. Just whack him in the legs. Flash needs to protect those drumsticks like Dr. Fate protects his pretty, pretty face. I mean, if the Martian Manhunter’s vulnerability is to fire, then the Flash’s should be crippling knee pain.

Best Time For a Crime Spree: Taper Week

Just because a guy can run faster than the speed of sound (or light, in some storylines) doesn’t mean all those miles of feet hitting pavement wouldn’t take its toll. If the Flash wants to be ready for the next world-smashing disaster, he needs to be smart and take some time off from running now and then, just like experienced runners do before a marathon when they taper off before a big event.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what ol’ Lightning Boots’s Rogues Gallery wants to happen. What perfect fodder for storytelling…maybe the Rogues feel Flash out by committing a test crime and then seeing if he breaks off pursuit after only a fraction of his normal mileage. Or perhaps the Flash works with Oracle to calculate a training plan that’s harder for villains to predict than how long the comic has to go before its next reboot.

Maybe he’d simply work up a crime coverage plan with the other speedsters, so at least one of them is resting while the others are fighting supersonic crime. After all, between the Flash, Kid Flash, Golden Age Flash, Impulse, Johnny Quick, and Max Mercury, I’m sure they’ve got enough participants for a relay team.

Advice From Rocket Red: Don’t Forget Fuel

In the boring ol’ real world, runners need to take in water frequently and more substantial nutrition as running length increases beyond a few miles. (We don’t wear those bandoliers of water bottles and gel packs just to look sexy.)

The Flash could at least give a nod to this idea by having areas of his costume accommodate the storage of water and gooey fuel. In some comics and the first Flash TV series, the Flash often wolfed down tons of food to illustrate that he had a high metabolism. This is crazy, and a first class recipe for giving Barry a case of the Super Runner’s Trots. Barry, just take your nasty gel like the rest of us do.

Fallen Arch Enemies

The Flash has a colorful collection of enemies, his Rogues Gallery. There’s the guy who throws boomerangs, the guy who blows a flute, the evil mirror specialist, the magician from the future, the dude with the heat gun, the other dude with the cold gun, the guy who runs really fast (and is also from the future), and the super-smart ape. Now, what do they all have in common?

Nothing!

What the Flash needs is some adversaries who can take advantage of his particular weaknesses. I’m just spitballing here, but how about The I.T. Bandit, always scheming to bring the Flash’s legs out of balance? Or Captain Caltrops, who tries to stymie our fleet-footed friend with his collection of tiny spiky speed bumps. Flash’s existing enemy, Heat Wave, would be smart to team up with a new baddie such as The Humidity Hellion, because their double whammy would leave flash wishing he were on his cosmic treadmill in his basement rather than fighting crime in the great outdoors.

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